This is huge . You capture it all. My words feel inadequate but sending you enormous love and know you did and are doing everything possible for her❤️ it chimes with my own losses P. Thank you
I cried reading this, and admire how you managed to read. I bawled all the way though the service. The end is so exactly right. The hardest part is that the funeral isn't the end, it's only the beginning.
Today would have been my mum's birthday. She died the day before, on the 26th. I posted a piece of fiction for her this year, though it's usually a poem. The child in my semi-fictional story is called Chloe. I posted the story this morning if you want to read it.
Dearest Jane my heart goes out to you. I know the pain and the tears how they sting. Yes it’s as if I am stuck in a mind warp or loop. Mum’s gone and yet she isn’t quite. It takes time for the mind to sort it all and refile!
So grateful to you for the restack. I am behind on my reading. Dad has just burst into tears.
Tomorrow I hope to get a bit more done and look forward to reading yours for now, going to comfort Dad
Oh dear God this went right in deep. You catch that sheer weirdness of fresh grief - the disbelief and all. And then the speed and chaos of a funeral. And the realisation, later, that's it's done its work and that all the strangeness of it serves some helpful purpose. You did good, your mum will be proud of you.
Dear Caroline bless you for writing. I am sorry it went deep (because it means you have suffered something similar too and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody ) and yet simultaneously relieved that it must have made sense too.
As a writer and confident public speaker, I'm the extended family go-to in these situations. It's become a joke among some of the elders, who come to me at funerals and say, "You will do mine, won't you!?" The thing that always feels a bit awkward to me is that, in order to do it so that it becomes a gift for people and takes them into a space of reflection and gratitude, I have to lean in a bit to my performance skills. This always makes for an ambivalence for me, which I shove away as something I have to bear. It also helps me dissociate through the moment and keep the grief for private. Apart from this one time: when my younger brother left us, prematurely and from a short, shocking, violent illness, I fucked up. Couldn't craft beautiful words, couldn't deliver them with any polish or power. Stood there mumbling and crying with a scrap of scrawled paper in my hand. I feel still now like I let him and the family down (though I think probably nobody even thinks that except me). So I know how very very difficult was the thing you did and I'm sending respect and compassion your way. You did good with a beast of a moment.
Oh gosh Caroline, that’s amazing, how moving a reply. You have my utter respect for doing a eulogy at all! The tears for your little brother I totally understand and they were greater than words. You certainly didn’t let him down. Eulogy is about compassion and sometimes compassion knocks us for six.
I also understand what you mean about having to lean into a snippet of theatre or art when that means excusing yourself a little from your own tears to be able to do it. It’s the only way I think.
I know only too well this from 10 years ago - I send you so much love, and to tell you that I feel now, like she's a part of me, so strongly, that love never ceases it is always there, I talk to her often, cos she hears me - I'm so sorry for your great loss - be kind to yourself - lots of hugs and love xx ❤️
oh just too close to everything this year has brought me. The eulogy, only yesterday I was reflecting on this and crying my eyes out. How full and how empty it is without her there to hear.
Sweet Jesus Pipp, you made me cry from the first line! How beautifully and heartbreakingly you've described the myriad feelings that course through us when burying a loved one... I am in awe... maybe if I had done the same at my own mothers cremation I would be less susceptible to tearful outbursts now? I wish I had.... damn I wish I had!
huge hugs my lovely - I hope your day is at least interspersed with a few moments of joy amidst the sadness 🙏🏼❤️xxx
Yes, maybe it’s never too late Susie to write yours, why not. I think it is very raw. Unpolished. One of Mum’s characteristics that stood out for me was how unpretentious she was and writing this, as is, seemed OK to me. I think it helps me.
There were a few tears last night but this morning we have met up with my sister and chatted with some laughter too over chunky mugs of coffee.
Thank you for telling me what you think, I nearly didn’t post it at all. Lots of love,
Thank you for so beautifully writing this, I am in bits now. I read at both my parents funerals, and mourned and raged both times. I think they would have been proud though, and that’s enough. I wish I had written down what I was feeling to remind me in these later years. Your words will be healing in times to come, will show you how you showed up, and made your mum proud! Be kind to yourself, and let grief wash over you from time to time without fighting it. It is as it will be. X
This is huge . You capture it all. My words feel inadequate but sending you enormous love and know you did and are doing everything possible for her❤️ it chimes with my own losses P. Thank you
Chimes back dearest Sarah. ❤️
Oh my. No words. This is beautiful, raw and superb. Merci
Judy
Thank you. Very kind of you to say so. I was so doubting whether to post it and now it seems a thumbs up. Nice to meet you Judy
I cried reading this, and admire how you managed to read. I bawled all the way though the service. The end is so exactly right. The hardest part is that the funeral isn't the end, it's only the beginning.
Today would have been my mum's birthday. She died the day before, on the 26th. I posted a piece of fiction for her this year, though it's usually a poem. The child in my semi-fictional story is called Chloe. I posted the story this morning if you want to read it.
Dearest Jane my heart goes out to you. I know the pain and the tears how they sting. Yes it’s as if I am stuck in a mind warp or loop. Mum’s gone and yet she isn’t quite. It takes time for the mind to sort it all and refile!
So grateful to you for the restack. I am behind on my reading. Dad has just burst into tears.
Tomorrow I hope to get a bit more done and look forward to reading yours for now, going to comfort Dad
Have a good evening- or day!
Give him a hug from me. And have one yourself xx
💕
Oh dear God this went right in deep. You catch that sheer weirdness of fresh grief - the disbelief and all. And then the speed and chaos of a funeral. And the realisation, later, that's it's done its work and that all the strangeness of it serves some helpful purpose. You did good, your mum will be proud of you.
Dear Caroline bless you for writing. I am sorry it went deep (because it means you have suffered something similar too and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody ) and yet simultaneously relieved that it must have made sense too.
As a writer and confident public speaker, I'm the extended family go-to in these situations. It's become a joke among some of the elders, who come to me at funerals and say, "You will do mine, won't you!?" The thing that always feels a bit awkward to me is that, in order to do it so that it becomes a gift for people and takes them into a space of reflection and gratitude, I have to lean in a bit to my performance skills. This always makes for an ambivalence for me, which I shove away as something I have to bear. It also helps me dissociate through the moment and keep the grief for private. Apart from this one time: when my younger brother left us, prematurely and from a short, shocking, violent illness, I fucked up. Couldn't craft beautiful words, couldn't deliver them with any polish or power. Stood there mumbling and crying with a scrap of scrawled paper in my hand. I feel still now like I let him and the family down (though I think probably nobody even thinks that except me). So I know how very very difficult was the thing you did and I'm sending respect and compassion your way. You did good with a beast of a moment.
Oh gosh Caroline, that’s amazing, how moving a reply. You have my utter respect for doing a eulogy at all! The tears for your little brother I totally understand and they were greater than words. You certainly didn’t let him down. Eulogy is about compassion and sometimes compassion knocks us for six.
I also understand what you mean about having to lean into a snippet of theatre or art when that means excusing yourself a little from your own tears to be able to do it. It’s the only way I think.
I know only too well this from 10 years ago - I send you so much love, and to tell you that I feel now, like she's a part of me, so strongly, that love never ceases it is always there, I talk to her often, cos she hears me - I'm so sorry for your great loss - be kind to yourself - lots of hugs and love xx ❤️
Dearest Sally, thank you so much for your encouragement and guiding voice. Sorry for your loss too. Love back and thank you for reading too.
So sorry to read this. I hope putting words to the chaos helped a little.
Thank you for writing. And reading. Nice to hear a kind voice
It did Lucy I think in the tiniest of ways
oh just too close to everything this year has brought me. The eulogy, only yesterday I was reflecting on this and crying my eyes out. How full and how empty it is without her there to hear.
My dearest Susannah I hear you. The eulogy is the one piece of writing we don’t want to write or hear.
I tried to do Mum proud. I did the best I could and I let her go to not suffer anymore.
I am trying to be the person she looked up to by being brave! Mum was so outrageously brave! Damn it!😥💕lots of love
A beautiful tribute to your Mum … poignant, heartrending
Thank you so much Barrí.
And thank you for the mention of course 😘
Sweet Jesus Pipp, you made me cry from the first line! How beautifully and heartbreakingly you've described the myriad feelings that course through us when burying a loved one... I am in awe... maybe if I had done the same at my own mothers cremation I would be less susceptible to tearful outbursts now? I wish I had.... damn I wish I had!
huge hugs my lovely - I hope your day is at least interspersed with a few moments of joy amidst the sadness 🙏🏼❤️xxx
Yes, maybe it’s never too late Susie to write yours, why not. I think it is very raw. Unpolished. One of Mum’s characteristics that stood out for me was how unpretentious she was and writing this, as is, seemed OK to me. I think it helps me.
There were a few tears last night but this morning we have met up with my sister and chatted with some laughter too over chunky mugs of coffee.
Thank you for telling me what you think, I nearly didn’t post it at all. Lots of love,
Thank you so much Katherine.🙏
Thank you for so beautifully writing this, I am in bits now. I read at both my parents funerals, and mourned and raged both times. I think they would have been proud though, and that’s enough. I wish I had written down what I was feeling to remind me in these later years. Your words will be healing in times to come, will show you how you showed up, and made your mum proud! Be kind to yourself, and let grief wash over you from time to time without fighting it. It is as it will be. X